Monday, March 16, 2015

Full of Gratitude

 This last week was a jumbled mess of emotions.  I had to get an antibiotic, and it messed with me enough that I had to fight a nice bout of depression. It showed itself by making me incredibly grumpy, and full of ... nothing. I felt nothing. Little tiny things that shouldn't have mattered really got to me, and I had to close myself off to everything so it wouldn't bother me. Except that it didn't stop. Those little things kept getting to me to the point I just wanted to hide in my bed and close off the world.

I went to bed figuring I'd sleep it off and the next day would be fabulous. Except that it wasn't. It was harder than the day before. I tried to just get through the morning without screaming for no reason. I got a phone call from my son saying he'd forgotten his math homework, and I lost it.

My sweet angel of a husband offered to take the book instead. He left, and I collapsed on my son's bed and sobbed. I was so grateful that I didn't have to leave, and all my bottled up emotions(that I didn't even realize I was hiding) were let loose.

I posted a thank you to Steve on Facebook, and I had so many people respond with virtual hugs and words of encouragement. It was what I needed at the time, and I could see the sun coming up out of the darkness.

But the good didn't stop there. I left a day later for Phoenix to go to the book festival in Tucson. It gave me a few hours of "me" time to think, relax, and just enjoy the scenery. It was awesome. I showed up at my hotel that night, ready to go and take over the world. Okay, not really, but I felt a million times better than I had before.

The next morning was the festival, and I was a little nervous. I'd spent a lot of money to get there and I really hoped I'd sell even one book. Being with so many other authors (the festival is huge) was daunting because you had to find the right customers to fit with your book. There were a lot of mystery readers, and while I'd love to write a mystery someday, that was totally not my genre.

But every time I lost a little hope, I'd find someone. And because they were there getting a book signed, another customer would come up to see what they were buying. Now, I didn't end up selling anywhere near what I "needed" to, but I sold enough to make me smile as I left the booth that day. I'd given away a few hundred bookmarks, talked to even more people, told them all about a free book I had on Amazon, and sold a few books. To me, that was success. The festival was followed by another peaceful drive and flight home. And best of all, I got to kiss my sweet little ones good night.

This morning, I woke to find that Endless was doing rather well on Amazon. Like, really well. I was shocked. I was at #6 in the Sword and Sorcery category. For paid books, that's the category where Harry Potter holds the first 7 places. Friends were sharing the link with friends on Facebook, and I watched the number slowly drop.

By midday, I was at #1 in the category!! Right now, it's at #617 over all.  And those numbers are great, but even more it's about the people I see who are excited about getting the book. One woman read the book,  then got another book of mine, and enjoyed that one. She finished that one and asked what else I've written. I was ... speechless.

Life is full of ups and downs. To some people it's so hard to get out of the downs. The darkness is difficult to penetrate and it's almost stifling. I've learned that if you can just get through it, you will see blessings beyond your wildest imagination.

I think this is why I love the Van Gogh episode of Dr. Who so much. Van Gogh had his own demons to fight. No one liked his work, and he was ridiculed. You see him at his very lowest. But then the doctor and Amy show up. They take him to the future to let him see the good he's done, and how people feel about his paintings now. I sobbed.

Who wouldn't want to get past the bad, and see what's so wonderful about themselves? It didn't change Van Gogh's fate, but for just that small moment, he got to see the good in the world. Those moments are so important, and I hope that I can be there to help someone who is struggling, and be their ray of sunlight.

I just want give a great big THANK YOU to everyone who helped me this week. You have no idea how much you helped me when I needed it most.

Here is the clip I love so much. Listen closely.


  1. I'm so glad you're feeling better, Jaclyn. It makes the sweetness you're experiencing now all the better, I imagine. And I loved that episode of Dr. Who.

    1. Thanks! I am feeling much better. The good always feels better after the hard times.

      This is my favorite episode. Except for the last Amy and Rory episode. Wow.

  2. I cried when I saw that episode the first time. Big ole fat blubbery tears. I think every creative person does because we can all relate so much. I'm glad the depression is going away. I know how that feels too.

    1. I still bawl every time I see it. Even when I was finding the clip to post. :) And I agree that creative people can totally relate. His reaction was just so beautiful.

      And thanks. Depression has left for now, and I hope I don't have to go there again for a very, very long time.